As a counselor, I see couples in all kinds of different situations. Someone recently asked me what marriage issues bother me the most. If I really think about it, I am most troubled by couples who just exist together. You’ve seen some of them. In fact, it can actually happen to any of us if we don’t work at connecting. Most of these couples don’t fight. They just live their lives like roommates. It’s as if they are in a business deal together. They’re cordial to each other. They may eat a few meals together each week and sit in front of the same TV watching the same show occasionally. They may even laugh at the same things. But their relationship subsists only on the surface. They never talk about feelings or emotions. They may have sex a few times a week, month, or year, but it is little more than a physical act. If one gets sick, the other will probably help them. Maybe. It’s a marriage of convenience but not too convenient. Unfortunately, they are missing out on the greatest gift, next to Jesus, that God has given us. They have chosen to coexist instead of connecting in their marriage.
In our marriage we had times when we simply existed together. We weren’t connecting. The distractions of life got in the way of our marriage. We all have distractions. Some are good and some are not. Some are absolutely necessary and some are absolutely not. Here’s an example that may upset some of you. Most of us would agree that the greatest gift that God gives us in our marriages is children. But guess what? Children are a distraction. They take time and energy. Most couples see a change in how connected they feel when children come. If they don’t get proactive and creative in connecting, they can slowly drift apart.
Then there is the busyness of life. It may be work, or serving at church, or a sport, or a thousand other things that we get involved in. Many of these are good things until they have a negative effect on our marriage. When that happens, something needs to change. What happens when you are distracted? Think about it this way: You are always communicating something to your spouse, whether you are talking or being silent. You are constantly communicating, but what are you communicating? Are you communicating how important your spouse is to you or how far down on your list they are? Are you connecting or disconnecting? Are you intentionally showing your spouse that they are the most important thing in your life next to God or not? Are you growing closer together or further apart?
If you are connected, keep it up. My experience is that you can’t just get connected and stop working on it. It is something you have to do day after day after day.
If you are not connected, stop here. Don’t go any further until you sit down together and make a plan to connect. Depending on how unconnected you are, you may need the help of someone in your small group, or a pastor, or a Christian counselor. Just don’t put it off any longer. Whatever it takes, do it and do it now!
