I hate it when Nancy and I fight. We both hate it. Thankfully, today we fight very little. But you would never have guessed that we hated fighting from some of the fights we had in the first few years of our marriage. They would escalate quickly, and we would say things we later regretted. When we fought, we both wanted to win. Winning in a marriage is never good unless both partners win. But that wasn’t our goal. Our fights ended with one winner and one loser, and our marriage was sinking.
Almost everything I tell couples not to do, we did. In counseling sessions, I stress to couples how important it is to choose your battles in marriage. There are so many things that could cause an argument, and it is so important to not fight about everything. But we fought about everything. At times it probably looked like we were inventing things to fight about.
What took us a really long time to learn was that we didn’t have to continue fighting this way. In reality, we would never see everything eye to eye. We were going to have conflict, but no one ever told us that we could disagree in a healthy way. For us, fight meant fight.
When we finally learned that we could fight right or fight wrong, it seemed like the heavens parted. We discovered that instead of using negative and hurtful words, we could use positive and healing words. This became a turning point for our marriage. We learned to engage. We learned how to fight right.
What about you and your marriage? How do you fight? What are the words you say? How do you say them? Fighting right takes more time and creative energy than fighting wrong. But fighting right and engaging can grow your marriage. It can draw you closer together. It can give you the confidence that with God’s help, there is nothing you can’t conquer as a couple. If you think you need a miracle so you can engage instead of fight, I have great news. We have a God who is truly full of miracles, and He has one for you. Just ask Him!
